Q&A with Charlie
Charlie is my alter ego who delights in stirring up the pot—any pot.
Question: Charlie, woke people say you are an oppressor because you're white. How do you feel about that?
Answer: I agree with them, and it makes me sick inside, like I’m trapped in a body that doesn't reflect the real me. So, from now on, I will identify as transracial. That is, I will identify as a person of color. More precisely, I will identify as a black man. And to that end, I will darken my skin, frizzle my hair, puff up my lips with injections of Botox, and get butt implants. I don’t have to develop a taste for fried chicken and watermelon because I already have that. But I will support Black Lives Matter, play basketball in my hood, speak Ebonics, add motherfucker to my vocabulary, and address other guys as Bro. And anyone who objects to my efforts is clearly transphobic.
Question: So, Charlie, when do you believe life begins?
Answer: I agree with someone who once said, "Some people believe life begins at conception while others believe it begins at birth. Neither is true. Life begins when the last kid leaves home, and the dog dies."
Question: Charlie, what do you think of Juneteenth, our new national holiday?
Answer: It's long overdue. We need to celebrate the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln, a white man and a Republican, and the mostly white 620,000 union army soldiers who gave their lives to free black people from the slavery that was supported by Democrats not only in the South but the North as well.
Question: There are all kinds of beliefs about what heaven is like. What's yours, Charlie?
Answer: That's easy. I believe heaven is a happy place where we can all run around naked and fornicate at will. Anyone who believes otherwise doesn't understand basic human nature. Forget all the religious bullshit about pearly gates, streets of gold, and mansion in the sky. Keep it simple. Nothing makes a person happier than getting laid.
Question: So, Charlie, what do you think about people who identify as transgender?
Answer: As long as it doesn’t disadvantage or cost others, I say let them identify anyway they wish. I’ve always thought gender and sex were synonyms, but they’re not according to Webster. Gender is a social or cultural distinction, and sex is a biological distinction.
To identify as a member of the opposite sex or to transgender is to change the appearance of your biological sex. You can do that by changing your behavior, style of dressing, name, and physical appearance with hormone injections and surgery.
But as much as you may want to change your biological sex, it—your XX or XY chromosomes—remains unchanged. A biological male is still a biological male regardless of how he identifies socially or culturally, and a biological female is still a biological female regardless of how she identifies socially or culturally. Science says.
Question: So, Charlie, now that you’re single again, what kind of a woman are you looking for to replace the one you had?
Answer: Well, I want one that’s modern enough so that she doesn’t depend on me for everything but traditional enough so that she does exactly what I tell her to do without any argument.
Question: Okay, Charlie, so what do you think about the allegation of white privilege?
Answer: I think it's true, although black privilege has been gaining in strength and seems to be replacing it. I guess everyone has to take a turn in the barrel eventually.
Question: So, Charlie, what do you think about homosexuality?
Answer: Well, if that turns you on, go for it as long as it's between consenting adults. But to my way of thinking, if a couple is going to get down to some serious sex, at least one of them has to have a pecker, and if both of them have peckers, it's one pecker too many.
Question: So, Charlie, what do you think about all the people who are moving to Texas?
Answer: I can see why they want to get out of states like New York, Illinois, and especially California. But moving to Texas is not all it’s cracked up to be. I admit the cost of housing is relatively low, and the barbecued brisket and ribs are great. And there’s no state income tax.
But property taxes are out of sight. The heat and humidity are ungodly. There are problems with frequent flooding in the southern part of the state, most notably the Houston area. And the people moving there include Democrats, who oddly enough seem hell-bent on turning the state into the same kind of economic and political mess that exists in the Democrat-controlled states they left behind.
But perhaps the worst thing about Texas is the native Texans. They are racist and sexist as hell, loud, vulgar, arrogant, and ignorant bordering on stupid.
Question: So, Charlie, are you Pro-Choice or Pro-Life?
Answer: Definitely Pro-choice. We don’t want the kind of women who would kill their unborn children reproducing.
Question: Charlie, you once said you liked dating religious women. Why?
Answer: Because they are wound up so tight that if you take them out and loosen them up with a couple of drinks, you have to race them to the bedroom.
Question: Are you afraid of dying, Charlie?
Answer: Not a bit. I believe that when we die, we’ll stink up things until we're buried or cremated, and then we'll go to my idea of heaven—a place where we'll all run around naked and fornicate at will.
Question: It seems like you’re getting a little heavier every day, Charlie. When you die, do you think you’ll fit into your coffin?
Answer: When the time comes, I’ll probably have to be stuffed into it, and a couple of guys will probably have to sit on the damn lid to hold it down long enough for the mortician to drive in all the nails.
Question: I take it, Charlie, you don’t think much of traditional weddings. Why?
Answer: Traditional weddings in general are littered with landmines of gender politics—from the bride wearing virgin white to the taking on of the groom’s name to the asking of permission for the bride’s hand. It's certainly no secret that the tradition of having a father walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day and "give" her away is deeply rooted in sexism, basically symbolizing the passing of a woman—the "property" of one man, her father—to the next man, her husband. And if weddings are sexist, the marriages that result may well be sexist as well.
Question: So, Charlie, what do you think of people who stress that the U. S. is a land of immigrants?
Answer: I agree with clarification. The United States is a land of LEGAL immigrants. ILLEGAL immigration is invasion. And the duty of the federal government is to repel invaders.
Question: How do you feel about people in general, Charlie?
Answer: I agree with Ernest Hemingway: "The only thing that can ruin a good day is people."
Question: Hey, Charlie, do you prefer dating widows or divorcees?
Answer: Windows tend to make saints of former husbands while divorcees tend to make rotten bastards of them. So, I prefer dating divorcees. It's easier to follow rotten bastards than it is to follow saints.
Question: Have you ever tried cocaine, Charlie?
Answer: No, but a friend of mine has. And he told me it made him feel so horny that he made love a radiator and sent it flowers the next morning.
Question: I heard you are an atheist, Charlie. Is that true?
Answer: No, it’s not. I agree with Carl Sagan when he said, "An atheist is someone who is certain that God does not exist, someone who believes he has compelling evidence against the existence of God. I know of no such compelling evidence. Because God can be relegated to remote times and places and to ultimate causes, we would have to know a great deal more about the universe than we do now to be sure that no such God exists. To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed."
And in response to an atheist that pointed out to Carl that there is no evidence that God exists, he said, "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."
Question: Hey, Charlie, are you a monogamist?
Answer: Hell no. I agree with Errol Flynn: "I can’t imagine anything more boring than monogamy."
Question: Charlie, what do you think about holy books like the Bible and the Koran?
Answer: The Christian Bible and other holy books, including the Muslim Koran and the Hindu Vedas, are but human perceptions or concoctions of God. To believe otherwise is the height of human arrogance.
Question: Charlie, what do think about public policies that permit transgender females to compete in female sports.
Answer: The separation of men’s and women’s sports are based on biological differences. And for good reason. It is the biological differences that create differences in the ability to perform. In general, science says males have a biological advantage. And changing your identity or gender does not change your biological sex.
If you paint an orange red, it doesn’t make it an apple. Neither does rolling horse manure in powdered sugar make it a donut. And changing your appearance to that of the opposite biological sex doesn’t make you the opposite biological sex. Your XX or XY chromosomes remain unchanged.
That said, however, go ahead a transgender if it makes you feel better about yourself, but it is simply unfair to make it the basis for public policies that disadvantage others. That includes public policies that disadvantage biological XX females when biological XY males, who identify as transgender females, are permitted to compete with them in sports.
In short, regardless of gender identity, biological XY males have a physical advantage over biological XX females, so it is simply unfair to permit them to compete in biological XX female sports.
Question: What do you see as the main difference between the temperaments of Asians and Westerners?
Answer: I agree with an old Asian expression: "Asian like water—long time to boil but once hot take lifetime to cool down. Westerner like sand—fast hot and fast cool. Do not last."
Question: Charlie, why is it that sometimes, good wins out over evil in some people while evil wins out over good in others?
Answer: An old Cherokee legend answers that question best. It’s a tale of two wolves that was told by an old man to his grandson one evening:
"A fight is going on inside me," the old man said. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf will win?”
The old man replied simply, “The one we feed.”
Question: Charlie, is belief in the existence of God at variance with science?
Answer: You've asked me this question before. Let me put my answer to you another way. Anyone who understands the scientific method knows there are no credible arguments against the existence of God. Because his existence is neither capable of proof nor disproof, it is accepted (theism) or rejected (atheism) on the basis of faith. Science does not, and cannot, address the question because science only addresses that which is capable of disproof.
Question: The Bible says fornication is a sin, Charlie. What have you got to say about that?
Answer: I don't believe it. Nothing that feels so good could be a sin. God would not give us the urge and opportunity and then say it's wrong to do it. That would be sadistic. Besides, it's a hell of a lot cheaper than marriage.
More to Come……..
Copyright © 2021 Frank Zahn